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I always knew that I'd have a hard time with being married.. I knew that I would have to work hard at making it last. But I never knew that it was this hard. I'll be married for one year march 22nd 2009. And I sometimes don't know how its lasted this long. Things here are getting worse and worse .. I feel like I'm alone .. like this is all a one sided thing. Half the time I don't know if it's just me over re-acting like I always do, or if it's really the way it is. I wish that I could just go about my life and that all the thoughts in my head would end. 

I moved here July 2007 and I wasn't allowed to work by law.. so my husband< bf> at the time supported me.. I didn't ask for things that I didn't need and never really asked him for anything ... I babysat for my smoke money and for money for the little things I needed. I made sure to only ask him for things that I really needed. Now, I'm allowed to work and have been for a few months now... and it's all supposed to be better.. it's all supposed to be easier for us both. We have our own apartment now, our own life. And yet here I am ..  now that i'm working, he seems to feel like he doesn't have to .. . we have bills steady bills to pay every month and i can't do it on my own.. i just can't . And it really annoys me when he comes in here whining and crying to me in the morning about not wanting to go to work that morning .. what does he want me to say exactly ?? I get paid every 2 weeks, he gets paid every damn week.. and my last check and this one i just got i had to take money out of what my half of stuff to pay and things that i needed to put money towards shit he's supposed to pay. All I want is for it to be equal. I don't want to be the only one cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and i am .. he doesn't do any of that ..  This Suzie Homemaker life is NOT for me .. and I don't know what to do anymore.. I really need some advice.. and although the advice that my friend from back home gave me <kick him in the head> does sound tempting .. I really don't know what to do anymore.. I work all day monday through friday and then i come home from work, cook dinner and clean up .. do dishes.. all of that .. on the weekends.. i do laundry and a big clean.. it's getting sad and pathetic.. I really need some friends here. I don't know anyone but his family and him and I really feel like i need to get the hell outta here.. I need a break.. . or worse.. i need him to know and understand how i feel .. seeing as i can't talk to him about it ever.. he gets too defensive about it all. I just don't know what to do anymore , who to talk to .. or how to feel.

He called outta work today whining about his back, when i slipped and fell on the ice 2 days ago and really can't lift or move my arm without it being painful....yet , I went to work.. .I'm so frustrated .
 So  yesterday Naomi had her tonsils out .. and she's just pathetic laying around.. no energy.. its just not that vibrant little 9 yr old that I know and love !! I really hope she gets to feeling better soon !  

All day today she was doing fine, drinking liquids and resting ... then Laurie wants to feed her Fruit... I said, well, I dont know if the fruit is that good of an idea... because its acidy.. so she gives it to her anyway..  Then Laurie says that she is going to go overnight with Tolga and god only knows who else... I'm like umm ok .  Thinking in my fucking head that its only the day after your daughters surgery and your going over night and leaving her with me and Patrick to take care of her... ok , basically , ME.. because Patrick stays in the fucking room all night.  

So all the sudden, we are both in the room and Naomi is makes a sound... I come out and she's throwing up.. guess what she's throwing up ?? FRUIT ! Imagine that !  So, I yell for Patrick, grab a bucket and she's throwing up into the bucket now, and its all over the floor.. I ask Patrick to take her to the bathroom... He does and I clean up the mess.... she's in the bathroom with her little head over the toilet.. and gagging.. Patrick is standing outside the door... i really don't think he knew what to do. Anyhow ... she's done throwing up and then she comes back out and lays on the couch... lifeless... just so run down that it's sad. 

She goes to the kitchen and wants to eat noodles.. i'm like no baby.. go lay down, you need to let your tummy rest. So she goes and lays down.. Next thing I know, she's throwing up again .. this time she runs to the bathroom and it sitting on the toilet and throwing up on the floor. So I go in there.. hold her haid back.. am holding the bucket in front of her and then I notice there is blood in the bowl... I go in and tell Patrick that.. and him and Naomi both tell me there was blood in the throw up from the first time . I don't know if that is bad or not, so I of course freak out. While Naomi is on the toilet, I call Laurie for a second time.. the first time I call her, she's like , give her some of the liquid Codine to help with her pain. I said, I don't think thats a good idea, she'll throw it up .. and she said, just tell her, i want her to take it.. Thankfully I don't give it to her. So I tell Laurie about the blood in the throw up .. and i'm scared and worried about Naomi.. I don't know if the blood is just because of the stress of throwing up on her incision .. or if that's not normal.. So Laurie tells me to call the number on the pamphlet and then call her back.. So I call them, explain it all, they tell me to call Telehealth and give me the number. I call them and of course, all the nurses are busy and someone will call me back in 3-45 minutes.. Finally someone calls me back and they tell me that i have a right to be  concerned.. they ask me alot of questions... and then they tell me that Naomi should be taken to the home doctor... or someone should call them ... if not, she should be taken to the hospital for an emergency visit. They also told me, no more medicine inless its neccisary.. which means no Codine, just the anti biotic which she needs to take 2 times a day.. so, again, thankfully I didn't give it to her... I call Laurie after that and tell her everything .. after Tolga acts like he's a fucking doctor. He should just stay out of it . Laurie says she had Naomi brush her teeth this morning and there was blood then too.. But I'm freaked out.. and Laurie fucking sighs and says do you want me to come home ? I said, what do you want me to say? She said , well do you feel comfortable ? I said no , not with your daughter throwing up  and throwing up blood.. she said, well, we'll take her to the doctors tommorrow.. TOMMORROW ????? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??? 

Seriously.. sometimes I don't know about her... I don't know about her being a good mom .. Maybe that's why Christina is as fucked up as she is !! Now, I sorta get it a little bit .. 

She's not comming home til tommorrow.. And I don't want Naomi sleeping out here alone .. so I guess i'm sleeping out here in the living room on the chair or the floor or the SMALL ass couch.. I'm so fucking annoyied right now ! ! ! ! 

Naomi is passed out sleeping and I'm worried about her.. I swear.. I can't wait to have my own kids.. I know that I am going to be an amazing mom .!!!! I already know what not to do and what to do ... for the most part anyhow. 

Ok, I'm going now.. thank god I started writing in this journal again.. it's saving me from ripping my hair out !!
Well, today was a shit day...

Today was Naomi's graduation from the 4th grade.. just a really really small graduation outside the school. But it was cute.. so the day started out good .. I went for my walk and went to the library.. I got some cool true crime books and got some books for Naomi to read... she's having her tonsils out tommorrow... so I thought it would be good for her to have something quiet to do to rest her throat.  I came home and cleaned the bathroom.. and babysat.. pretty much for my last time with Erica... Its really sad. And i'm going to miss her. Then Patrick calls and starts bitching because apparently he called earlier and his mom answered and she told him she had to go and to call back later because she was on the other line.. so after he bitched me out about that.. and yes, bitched me out .. why i have no idea... anyhow,then i ask him when he's going to be home .. because again, we are going to be at Naomi's graduation .. he freaks out on me about noone telling him... i'm like .. are you fucking kidding me ?
of course i told him, he just doesn't listen to anything i say.. he talked to me like i'm an asshole bc he didnt know..so i of course am pissed off now...and i tell him fine, if he happens to get home between 5:30- 6:30 thats where we will be. bye.. We go to the graduation and its cute... and then he shows up... he seems fine . then starts going on bout ..

 more later.. my husbands up !!

Con't'ed from last night ... 

So he's going on about how the bikers don't respect him and the other walkers at his courier job... blah blah... he's pissed off about that.. then he's mad at Laurie because she's going on about Tolga.. and she starts going on about how starting in August we might have to all start paying the full rent.. because the housing people said they never got her paperwork.. now , i'm honest, so i'll say it here.. its her fault.. she doesn't follow up on anything intil its too late and then we are ALL fucked. 

She's trying to get that all fixed now, now that it's too late of course. So, we still dont know whats going to happen with that.. anyhow .. then Patrick goes off about how he doesn't want to be on the new lease if that happens and how we will move out and get our own place... with me not working, and his expensive taste and him being frivalous with money, i don't see that happening.. but whatever.. .so i tell him to stop acting like a baby.. and stop being such an ass. 
We get upstairs finally and the fighting continues... So, i go outside and sit down and start reading .. trying to ignore all of it .. then he calls me in to be "in" on the conversation .. just what i was trying to aviod doing.. i really do feel like i have no say in anything involving getting a new place , moving or whatever.. because i'm not working .. so i tell him to just figure out what they want to do, and i'll just follow along .. i dont have a choice. :( 
He's saying he wants to move out of toronto and to like Barrie or somewhere cheaper... but i dont know .. that's what i was saying to him when i was talking about getting a house down the line .. 

So, the whole thing ends.. and we are all basically not speaking to each other.. 

So this morning .. He wakes me up being loud getting ready for work..so i'm up at 7:30 this morning .. and Naomi's surgery was at 8 am.. so she was already gone and at the hospital when i got up . He leaves for work and i'm here alone all day.. Laurie's on vacation for the next 2 weeks.. so i know thats going to drive me nuts.. so i'm glad i was here all day.. anyhow, i'm waiting to hear about how Naomi's surgery went .. and noone calls me .. . then Laurie just calls me about 20 minutes ago <about 1pm> and asks me to drive and go pick up her and Naomi from the hospital.. my fucking car is outta commission because the tags are expired and someone knocked off the drivers side mirror .. i haven't driven it in like a month... because if i get caught driving it like that.. i'll get in big trouble.. no tags, no insurance, no mirror .and i'm not a resident here.. it was stressed to me that if i get in any trouble while i'm here, i can be kicked out of the country .. and i'm sorry but i'm not willing to do that, just so she doesn't have to pay to take a taxi home. She's done this to me several times before.. and it really pisses me off .. because then i feel really bad.. i feel like an asshole for not wanting to drive my car and going to pick them up...

 I called Patrick and he's telling me not to feel bad.. but i can't help it , i do .. and i could tell that Laurie was pissy with me on the phone when i told her i didnt want to drive and pick them up ... what annoys me the most is that, before i moved here.. NOONE had a car.. and up intil march my car was legal and i personally felt they took advantage of the fact that i have a car.. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU GUYS DO BEFORE I MOVED HERE??? Whatever it was... do it now too .. Seriously..  Tolga knew his daughter was having surgery today.. he had PLENTY of notice.. he could have re-scheduled his meeting with his lawyer... to make time to take his daughter home .. he drove them this morning and dropped them off .. and now can't hang around to bring them home.. AFTER HIS DAUGHTER HAD SURGERY..  typical Tolga. 

 On a good note,based on yesterday's money horror .. Patrick's realized that with the amount of money he makes,there is NO way that him and I shouldn't be able to live ...even with me not working. I was babysitting,which ended yesterday < today I hung flyers for summer babysitting work> so, i was buying my smokes .. and we were just blowing money like it was ridiculous.. He makes between $1500- $2000 a month .. we only pay $560 for rent and then his bus pass which is $110.. and then his cell phone bill which is like $70 a month .. there is NO WAY .. we should be broke all the damn time. 

I told him he should be taking $100 or a little more out of each check towards everything for the month, then at the end of the month, its paid ... and we aren't short.. the last 2 checks of the month were going towards rent and all that.. so after that, we had no money and had to be ass broke for close to 3 weeks.. its horrible ... anyhow . we'll see how that goes and see if he can do it .. because apparently .. he's sick of me telling him what to do .. and what he can and can not afford.. which is funny because i say NOTHING when he's spending $70 a game for his xbox 360 and blowing money and then we are broke .. i  SAY NOTHING..  yet i'm telling him what to do .. suggestions aren't telling him what to do.. ughhhhhhhh.

I'm so fucking sick of fighting about money and not having any .. i swear when i get a job .. my money is going to be my money and i'm going to be saving like a fiend !!!! More later ! 
Well, today was a weird day.. I of course didn't do much of anything.. I did the laundry and went for a walk. When Patrick came home we ate dinner, then my stomach was bugging me so I passed out for a few hours.. and now I'm up and can't sleep ! Ugh...

Anyhow.. Naomi got her report card today.. the last one for the school year.. and I was pleasantly surprised.. She got above average on her homework completion and participation .. Wow.... it's great to know that all my hard work helping her this last quarter went to come good. 
It's been really hard helping her get back on track with school.. esp. since her mom doesn't seem to keep up with it .. It really bugs me that she wanted me to take over with her and help her with her attitude and school .. and yet doesn't seem to want to follow my rules with her when i'm not around. Her bedtime is 7:30 pm on school nights.. and no tv.. yet she allows her to have tv at bedtime.. which i've been trying so hard to get her out of ..and then sometimes she doesn't have her in bed or even home for that matter intil way after that.. 

I made the rules for a reason.. and then she doesn't follow them.. Naomi of course knows that.. and takes advantage of that. She'll come in and tell me, my mom said i can have tv when i go to bed.. sorta like rubbing it in that she got her own way... and I feel like I can't really say anything about it . .because that is her mom.. not me. .  But it makes me proud that Naomi is doing better in school.. at least for that quarter. Starting the new school year, she'll be in 5th grade.. and i'm determined not to let her fall behind. Laurie <her mom> had a meeting with Naomi's teacher today.. which i of course wasn't invited to.. which also bugged me.. but again.. i'm not her mom.. though i'm told to act like it .. Anyhow.. her teacher told Laurie that Naomi would be in some homeschool classes next year.. she's reading at a grade 2 level .. which we knew already..and her math is crappy .. the homeschool classes just mean that she will be in smaller class sizes during the morning in school.. and that will help her make sure she is doing everything she can .. and then in the afternoon she will be in regular classes..which i think is great.. Naomi can really use the help with that... and being organized. Not forgetting homework and stuff like that..

So that's it on that one for now. 
I got an email from Maria the other day .. and she's finally getting married.. to some douchebag that her whole family doesn't like .. which is odd... and then i find out that she is selling her house to her brother.. the house she built from scratch.. I wrote her back,and told her i didn't like the idea.. and basically that i think she is being stupid about the whole thing .. but she's not responded back to that.. which is no shock. 

I'm really happy that she's found someone finally . ... but at what expense? What happens if that doesn't end up working out ?? She's turned her back on her family .. and she's got nowhere to go.. :( .. it's sad to think of it that way.. but that's a reality in life... If things don't work out for me in my marriage and one day i have to go back home, i'm keeping my citizenship in the US... and i'm going to just be a resident in Canada... It's not that i'm anticipating a problem by any means.. i'm just covering myself. Patrick doesn't seem to understand that fact.. he thinks its like a bad omen on the marriage.. but i think its just me being practical. 

That's one of the biggest things with us. .. I'm really practical and he isn't.. I want to save money for our future and he wants to spend it. lol.. 
I can't wait til I am allowed to start working here. .it'll be a year in July since i've been here and since i' ve  worked.. and i'm getting to be a fat, lazy bastard. lol.. i really miss working . but most of all i miss having my own money.. being here in this situation has been a really humbling experience.  I think its just what i needed to get my priorities in order. Money doesn't grow on trees... and I have a chance to start over... and i'm not going to fuck it up .. I want to get a house... a newer car.. stuff like that.. and i'm eager to get the ball rolling on saving. 

Anyhow .. i guess i should get some sleep . .its almost 3:30 am .. and i have to get up and clean the bathroom, do some dishes... and get my walk on...i also need to get some babysitting flyers out and around , so that maybe i'll have some money comming in this summer, if not, its going to be a really shitty summer here..

Night all !!